Who Wants Some Humble Pie?

So...I've been meaning to write again for some time now. And you would think that I'd have much to say after not posting anything for nearly two months. But I feel that if I just did another recap about my life, I'd bore you with a rerun episode.

I suppose I could share with you what God shared with me a few days ago.

To give a prelude to my point, last Monday I auditioned for a part in the Living Christmas Tree (a performance that our school puts on every year at the end of the fall semester). My only desire was to sing, because that's what I love to do. Well, the cast list was posted on Thursday afternoon, and while I may get to be a part of the show, I am merely in the dance chorus. I was fairly disappointed and angry (almost livid) the remainder of the day.

You see, I've known the drama and choir director for 5 & 1/2 years and have been auditioning for solos and parts ever since we met: and I have always come out disappointed with the results. For awhile I never received anything. Then a couple times I got a solo, but they weren't ones that I had auditioned for, nor ones that I really wanted.

I was almost certain that I would get one this time around. After all, my choir director has done nothing but praise me for my progress over the past 5 & 1/2 years. Surely this audition would go to my favor...more disappointment. I can't say that I was very nice or humble last Thursday, and I wasn't afraid to vocalize my frustration. I even considered not doing the show just because I didn't get what I wanted.

The next couple of days God pointed me to a couple of passages that really made me feel good about myself, the first one being Philippians 2:14-15,

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe."

I can tell you that I definitely did not shine like a star on Thursday...at all. And then I read 1 Peter 5:5-7,

"...All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

It felt like someone was shoving an entire humble pie down my throat after reading that (still does every time). I felt so awful for not only feeling angry, but especially for the way I expressed my anger. God had to tell me that it was O.k. for me to be upset, but that it was not O.k. that I voiced my anger to other people instead of to him, especially in the manner that I did it. I can't help the emotions that I felt. But I became proud in my anger, thinking that, after all this time, I deserved to have better.

But after the way I responded, I don't deserve to have anything. So I have decided that, while I am still a bit disappointed, 1) it's O.k. to feel disappointment, and 2) I will do the show and with (hopefully) great humility, not dwelling on what I didn't get, but rather, enjoying what I have the privilege of doing (although I can't say I know how to dance). And I will, from now on, work to express all future anger and frustration and disappointment to God first.

Summer's Gone for the School Year

Well this week has been quite a ride. I had intended on posting a new blog last weekend, but unfortunately and very stupidly I left my laptop in Abilene, TX when I left for school. Thankfully, I noticed only two hours after I arrived in Joplin (ten hours after I departed from Abilene). But my parents came to the rescue and shipped my laptop to me. It arrived yesterday afternoon, just in time for classes, which started today.

But anyway, on to what I really wanted to blog about. At the end of my internship I was required to type a 500 word reflection about my summer for the OCC website, so I'm going to post just that:

This summer has been quite the experience, to say the least. It was more than just a summer filled with great experiences. It was God-ordained, from the very beginning to the very end. He appointed me to Trinity Church in Lubbock, TX for the summer of 2010.

Going into the summer I was very lost and weak (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). Sophomore year proved to be a great challenge for me and it exhausted every ounce of energy I could muster. When the end of spring semester started to narrow down, I was presented with what I saw as a new obstacle. I began to contemplate switching majors, from music to church counseling (two degrees on complete opposite ends of the spectrum) and it ate away at my mind like crazy. I had invested two full years of school solely on music, and now I wasn’t sure if I was misled or not from the beginning. Plus, I had never really considered counseling, and all of a sudden, I was considering counseling. I became very discouraged.

But from day one of working at Trinity Church, God reassured to me that he had everything under control and that he had a plan for me. It took him awhile to tell me what the big plan was, but then again, I had a lot to recover from in due time.

Within the first couple of weeks, God’s healing over me (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) was absolutely remarkable. I had many self-inflicted wounds that I wasn’t even aware of until God reopened them so that he could heal them completely. And I fell in love all over again. The Holy Spirit became real to me again. After being so dry for so long, I was filled again. Again. And again. And again. Over and over, God revealed himself to me. I have never been so aware of God’s presence and prayer has never been easier. God was very direct in his leading and prayer after prayer was answered in such profound ways. There were times when my heart felt it was physically going to erupt in my chest. Every time I breathed in, my lungs and airways felt so full of the Holy Spirit’s presence that I knew I was going to burst. But every time I breathed out, I felt like I wasn’t getting enough. It was a feeling of complete satisfaction and at the same time such hunger for more.

If I had to sum up this summer into one word, it would be this: Profound. Everything God ever did and said was absolutely profound. What I initially thought was an obstacle ended up being a remarkable opportunity. God could never ask me to give up music, but he has given me a new direction: acquiring a Bachelor’s in Psychology and Counseling and an Associates in Church Music. I have never been so grateful, so in love, and so amazed at what God has done. Thank you, Jesus.

Oh. And I have a boyfriend now. His name is Daniel Baker and he is absolutely wonderful. (I didn't write this in my essay, but I wanted to share the news)

Hot Topics

The past few weeks Trinity Church has been going through a series titled "Hot Topics." Last week, Pastor Carl (the Senior pastor) had the privilege of preaching on the hot topic of...sex...on my birthday...I am no longer a teenager...what a way to start off my first day of adulthood.

I couldn't tell you what sex is like, but I would like to briefly share some things Pastor Carl said about sex...that is, if you're comfortable enough to read on.

Pastor Carl opened the message by reading Song of Solomon (which, by the way, is the first book in the Bible written about sex) 4:1-4. The writer here is describing the beauty of his lover starting with her eyes, moving to her hair, then her teeth and lips, then to her cheeks, and down to her neck, and then...if you'd like to find out the rest, you are more than welcome to open your Bible and start reading with verse five.

As any good ol' Christian knows, sex was designed for married peoples. Culture seems to disagree. And the church doesn't like to talk about it. Or as Carl liked to put it in his three approaches to sex:

1) The world pornophies it (sex is degraded)

2) The church prudifies it (sex is distorted)

3) The Word purifies it (sex is dignified)

The point that I would like to target, here, is point 2. I mean, sure, Christians will preach on sex and tell you that it was made for marriage and that it's a wonderful thing...but outside of marriage, sex is ugly, gross, nasty, sick, and you'll be condemned if you even dare think about it! I'd beg to differ. It's to my understanding, not from personal experience, that sex is great whether within or without marriage. The only difference is that, within marriage, sex is right. And without marriage, sex is wrong (not sex itself, but the act of it). Song of Solomon shows us that our sexuality is not something that we should be ashamed of, but rather, is something that we should respect.

Pastor Carl made this point (which I personally think was the golden point of the sermon): The desire for sex reminds us that we are not self-sufficient and it should drive us to want intimate relationship, not only with our spouse, but with God...

Wanting sex should bring us closer to God. The church tries to tell us that sex is dirty and that we should feel guilty for being human and for having human impulses. I don't want to have pre-marital sex. It's against God's command and would be disrespectful, not only to me, but to my partner. But that doesn't mean...and I am not ashamed to say this...that I do not want to have sex. Personally, I look forward to my wedding night.

There are three things the Bible says about sex:

1) Sex is God's gift in marriage.

2) Sex is a command. Gen. 1:28a, "God blessed them and said to them, 'Be fruitful...'

3) Married couples are to have lots of it. Gen. 1:28b, "'...and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.'" As Pastor Carl said, "A busy bed is a secure marriage."

The Bible encourages sexual freedom, not freedom from boundaries, but freedom to express your love for your spouse within a healthy marriage.

So here are the rules: don't have sex outside of marriage, not because sex is bad or gross, but because it's wrong to do outside of marriage. Also, don't feel guilty if and when you have human impulses, because you're human, as long as your desires make you want to be closer to God.

A Summer Worth Experiencing

So today I had my worst experience of the Summer thus far...

I arrive home from work, as always, no later than 5:15. I unlock the door, walk in, and I hear a constant, yet slightly faint beeping. Two seconds later it registers in my mind that the alarm is going off (slight panic attack). I call Rhonda. No one picks up (worry). All of a sudden, what seems like sirens from within the house start blaring! I attempt to call Stephen and had to step outside just so I could hear the phone ringing. He doesn't pick up. Try again. Second time is a success. Stephen gives me the code to turn off the alarm, all the while, the security people (or whomever they are) are calling the house phone. I ignore the call still trying to turn off the blasted alarm.

Finally there is silence and my heart is racing and thanking God that no policemen have showed up...not yet that is. Stephen arrives home, finally, from work and assures me that all is well...and then the policemen show up. I'm so glad Stephen was there to explain that they have a guest living in their house during the Summer and that I'm not some burglar trying to barge in.

Apparently Rhonda set the alarm when she left the house earlier today assuming that she would be back at some point to turn it off before I got home. That did not happen.

But last weekend I had one of my best experiences of the Summer thus far...

I went to Amarillo to visit a friend for a couple of days and the morning I was to leave we sat out on the front porch and talked away just before my departure. When we first went out, there was a fog and it was chilly enough to wear a jacket. As the conversation continued, we began to to discuss God and time, and the powers of the Holy Spirit and the deeper our conversation got, the more the sun began to shine...literally! It was truly an unexpected and very emotional experience. Something in those moments with each other happened and it was hard to not feel the Holy Spirit's presence. I can't explain it, but I had never felt so close to God in my entire life. And it was more than just a sensation, there was something so real and nearly physical that took place in my body.

Have you ever felt that for a moment or two you weren't bound by time? I know. It's a crazy concept. Our culture today thrives off of time. It's so precious to us. But there is something about getting close with God that takes you away from the world's idea of "reality" and you begin to experience this ultimate and spiritual reality. And because God is not bound by time and because He is all powerful, He is able to remove us from our bondage of time and can allow us to experience the fullness of His presence. I can't explain it, but what felt like a mere thirty minutes of such rich conversation actually ended up being a shocking two hours.

And it didn't stop there. The drive from Amarillo to Lubbock is just under two hours. For the first full hour home, I just talked to God. And I mean I talked to Him. He didn't respond with an audible voice, and I didn't have this formulated prayer to present to Him. I just talked as need, after desire, after person, after event, after worry and fear were brought to mind. I have never found it so easy to talk to God and for that length of time. I expressed all emotions that I felt. And God answered by giving me His "peace which transcends all understanding." He showed me that the beauty of His creation is...simply beautiful. He answered by steadying my heart rate and by letting His Spirit swell so much in me that I couldn't contain any tears.

Now, for those of you who know me well enough, I typically do not like to express a ton of emotion (especially any emotions that involve tears). I don't like to cry in front of people at all. But there is something so freeing when I am able to shed my tears in front of God.

The rest of the drive I was silent. But God's presence never left me. I was simply at a loss for words. And once again, I felt that I was outside the barriers of time. God was with me and nothing else mattered. I wish that I could fully express or even fully understand what happened to me that day. But I can promise you that it changed me completely. I have never felt so hungry, and at the same time, never so satisfied.

I guess what I would like to encourage is to not limit yourself when you go into God's presence.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, and with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Love that Makes the Soul Flourish

So I've been thinking to myself all weekend, "Man, I really need to post another blog." And as my mind wandered, trying to think about what to write next, nothing came to mind. So I logged in hoping to automatically think of something and I noticed my fellow blogger friends had some new posts, so I read those, again, hoping for something to spark. Nothing. Thanks for the inspiration guys.

The past five days have been...awesome, for lack of better words. The Cox's had a few family members come in for the week and they did a bunch of day trips together while I was at work. Lame.

There was one day trip, however, that I did not get to miss out on (thank you half day Thursdays!)...Palo Duro Canyon. Palo Duro is just outside of Amarillo, about a two hour drive from Lubbock. To start off our venture in the canyon, we went horseback riding (which left my inner thighs bruised for the next two days since it's only been eight or nine years that I've been on a horse), followed by a gourmet steak dinner just outside of the amphitheater (I ended up eating the chicken), and we finished off with seeing the play "Texas," right in the middle of the canyon. What we didn't know, until at the time, was that there would be a double finish to our outing...fireworks! Being that it was three days before July fourth, they (I don't really know who "they" are. The people running the show I suppose...) decided to display a special Fourth of July firework show after every performance that weekend, starting that night! What a treat. We got in at 1:30 that morning and I slept in til 10...which is really late for me (if I ever sleep in past nine, I feel like I'm wasting my life away).

The rest of the weekend was spent mainly at the house, just chilling. Us ladies, with a few other friends, got our nails done one day. My parentals and sister and brother came in for a few hours on Saturday and we ate at Buns Over Texas. Best cheese fries of my life. And you want to know what I did for my big Fourth of July extravaganza? Hot nothing...except for church, that is, which was actually at our youth center just down the street from the main campus. We had A LOT of rain last weekend from the hurricane. Lubbock is a flat and dry town. Put two and two together and what do you get?? A flood. The entire church parking lot was completely flooded, amongst other parts of town. You would have to use a canoe to get to the main entrance.

And today the offices were closed due to the holiday season. I got my oil changed this morning and afterwards went to go look at getting a new battery, but the battery place was closed, so I went about my business, planning to get my battery business done sometime this week when I have the time. Then I went out to lunch with a couple of friends...and my car died in the restaurant parking lot. How inconvenient! Stephen Cox came and rescued me and we're hoping the battery place will be open tomorrow morning on my way to work...that is if my car starts in the morning. Here's hopin!

But anyway (or as Charlie would say, "But on a serious note"), all that to say, the Cox family, among select staff members at Trinity Church, will be the reason it is going to be so hard for me to leave at the end of the Summer. And not just because we made day trips together or worked side by side in the office, but because I have established some life long friendships here.

In John Ortberg's The Me I Want to Be (I know. I've mentioned him several times in the past few posts. But I finished the book finally, so this is the last time I'll mention it...no promises), he writes a chapter on making life-giving relationships a top priority. I couldn't summarize this chapter into better words as he:

"Part of what it means to be made in God's image is our capacity for connectedness, because God created human beings and then said, 'It isn't good for man to be alone.'" We thrive off of people's love for us. We need love to live. There was a point in my life when I felt I had no true friends and I had this constant awareness that I was, not alone, but lonely. All the time. And it ate me up inside for eight years. That's a long time to experience loneliness. I understand that God is my best friend and He is all I truly need, but it takes the love of people to experience the love of God sometimes...a lot of the time actually.

But it's not just other people loving us that we need. We need to love other people, too, not only because it's a command from God, but because loving people gives us joy and value. Ortberg said, "When we work to truly notice someone else, love for them grows. When we work to truly observe another person, in that self-forgetfulness our own soul flourishes."

Our souls will flourish: they will be in a vigorous state, in their prime, at the height of excellence. They will prosper, grow luxuriantly, thrive in growth, as a plant. Now that is something to experience at the expense of love.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, There is Freedom

The Holy Spirit is God. (Gasp!)

Yes, I am going to be the one to touch on the subject that tends to make some people squirm in their seats. What I don't understand is why the subject of the Holy Spirit is so uncomfortable and controversial. The Bible certainly isn't afraid to talk about him.

The Holy Spirit is not weird. He is supernatural. The definition of the adjective form of "supernatural," according to dictionary.com, is, "of, pertaining to, or being above or beyond what is natural; unexplainable of natural law or phenomena; abnormal." Yup. That sums up the Holy Spirit alright. I mean, you don't see miraculous healings taking place nowadays, or people being raised from the dead, or water being turned into blood or wine, or guys walking on water. That would be abnormal and weird.

This definition might sum up our feelings about the Holy Spirit, but I think the avoidance of him goes a little deeper. The definition of the word in its noun form is this, "direct influence of a deity on earthly affairs." Now, again, this is dictionary.com's definition of "supernatural", but when it comes to talking about the Holy Spirit, the first thing we must realize is that he is not a deity or an "it." The Holy Spirit is God...Going back to the definition: "direct influence..." Stop right there! Influence? The Holy Spirit is an influencer? Dictionary.com is so neat. The definition of the word "influence" is, "The capacity or power of persons or things to be a compelling force on or produce effects on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc., of others." And this is where we run away.

Our problem is that the idea of this supernatural being taking control of our lives scares us to the pits. But why? Because we are "normal" people who love to be in control. But as Christians we have to adopt this idea of surrender. In John Ortberg's The Me I Want to Be (I will be quoting much of him in this post) he says: "There is no way for a human being to come to God that does not involve surrender...Surrender is not a crutch for weak people who cannot handle life. Instead, surrender is the glad and voluntary acknowledgment that there is a God and it is not me."

But why must we surrender? "Jesus understood that if you want to experience victory, you must start in surrender. Surrender brings power, and the need to surrender is deeply tied to Jesus' offer of living in the flow of the Spirit. You receive power through the act of surrender that you cannot obtain any other way; you receive freedom through submission that you will otherwise never know." In Acts 2 Jesus promises his disciples that they would receive power when the Holy Spirit came upon them, and in 2 Corinthians 3 Paul explains that "where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." Surrendering our will to God allows us to have these two great gifts: Power and freedom.

We cannot live without the Holy Spirit not only dwelling inside of us, but moving inside of us. "The only way to become the person God made you to be is to live with the Spirit of God flowing through you like a river of living water." It is to our benefit that we have the Spirit inside of us. Jesus explained to his disciples in John 14 that it was actually better he leave them so that he could send the "Counselor" to guide them. The Holy Spirit is for our benefit, not for his desire to obnoxiously control our every move.

We have completely cut the Spirit of God out of our spiritual lives. "A frequent problem in the way we talk about spiritual growth is that there s no much spirit in it--God's Holy Spirit, that is. Only God makes things grow, and that growth is not always predictable. Like a tree beginning to bud, growth always has surprise attached to it." It's a scary thing to give up control. We even control our prayer lives. We say we want God's will to take place, but we still ask that he give us what we ask for as if his opinion didn't matter. Now, God promises to give us the desires of our heart (Matt. 6:33), but we first have to completely surrender our will into his will beforehand. Surrender means seeking to handle a problem in a way that honors God. Surrender means losing your life so that you can gain a better one. In the end, you will find that nothing you lost was really worth keeping anyway.

If the idea of surrendering your will over to God's Holy Spirit still scares you, then you're in an ok spot. "If it is comfortable, it wouldn't e surrender."

Some people are afraid of giving up control because they don't want the Holy Spirit to make them do "weird" things. Well, I'd hate to tell you this, but that's just too bad. The Holy Spirit is a supernatural being that allows supernatural events to take place, and if you are willing, it will change your life for the better. I promise you that. You can't let the intimidation of being "weird" keep you from just having a Spirit-filled life. We have to move forward in having a Spirit-led life: constantly being filled with the Spirit and allowing him to guide our paths day-in and day-out, moment by moment.

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit" (2 Cor. 3:18).

The Holy Spirit is not weird. He is simply and amazingly supernatural. And the Holy Spirit is not a deity separate from God, but rather, he is God, who so graciously lives in us.

Living in Christ When Christ is Living in You

Ah, to be back in the good ol' state of Texas. Texas is great. So is Chick-fil-a and Charlie Landis (ok, the last one is just alright.) This past week I was back in the not-so-great Northwest for the last time. The family is moving! They're literally on the road right now as I type. Where to you ask? Well, none other than the good ol' state of Texas! But not to Lubbock where I am currently for my internship, but to Abiline just three hours south of me. It's about time our family got out of that dreaded place called Washington!

Now I know you're probably thinking, "How could this girl hate a place so much?" First off, I don't hate the Northwest, I strongly dislike it. Second off, I have valid reasons: 1) It rains. A lot. YEAR ROUND! 2) Washington and Oregon are titled two of the most godless states in America. Yesterday my dad told me that Portland, OR was ranked the number two city in the nation as most depressing just last year. Now how on earth does anybody determine what makes a city depressing? By the number of anti-depressant drugs prescribed, divorce rates, and suicide rates. Seattle, WA is known for it's rain...and suicide rates. The Northwest is a wet and spiritually-deprived place. You can literally feel the thick and heaviness of sin.

And it got to me when I was there last week. Spiritually, I felt like I took three steps back. Now, it was a stressful enough week with my brother's graduation, my grandma's funeral, packing up the rest of the house for the move, and a friend's wedding...all in the course of seven days. Not to mention, I was sick the latter half of the week. No fun. But worst of all, I felt so distant from God. I wish I could blame it all on the Northwest, which technically I could, but I suppose that wouldn't exactly be fair. But just being in that environment caused me to hold back, to leave everything in, to almost come to a complete halt.

While I was home...excuse me, in the Northwest (for it is no longer my home!)...I became lazy and was several days behind in my daily devotions. When I finally acknowledged my fault, I picked up that little devotional book that my mom gave me last December and came across these profound words:

"Let Me help you get through this day. There are many possible paths to travel between your getting up in the morning and your lying down at night. Stay alert to the many choice-points along the way, being continually aware of My Presence. You will get through this day one way or the other. One way is to moan and groan, stumbling along with shuffling feet. This will get you to the end of the day eventually, but there is a better way. You can choose to walk with Me along the path of Peace, leaning on Me as much as you need. There will still be difficulties along the way, but you can face them confidently in My strength. Thank Me for each problem you encounter, and watch to see how I transform trials into blessings."

I have been slowly, but surely reading my way trough John Ortberg's The Me I Want to Be. One of the chapters discusses about moving with the flow of the Spirit in which he says, "I don't want to wait for circumstances to change in order to live the way I was meant to live." I so easily fell into this trap. Being here in Lubbock and doing this internship has made me feel so alive and refreshed and full of the Holy Spirit, but instead of taking all of that with me as I ventured back to Washington for the last time, I left it behind, knowing that I would pick it all back up when I came back. I was barely getting through each day, feeling unproductive, and feeling absolutely miserable. From the moment I stepped foot into the Portland airport, I anxiously anticipated the day I would get to leave.

To piggy-back off of Ortberg's quote, the point I'm trying to make is this: we can't allow our circumstances to determine the way we live. Acts 17:28 says, "For in him we live and move and have our being. As some of you own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'" If Christ is continually in us (which he is) and if we live in him, then our circumstances (or environments) shouldn't influence our living patterns (do as I say, not as I do.) I know that I obviously am not a prime example of this, but we all learn from our mistakes.

If you have accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior, then he is in you right now and he will never leave or forsake you. Now go live for him.