Who Wants Some Humble Pie?

So...I've been meaning to write again for some time now. And you would think that I'd have much to say after not posting anything for nearly two months. But I feel that if I just did another recap about my life, I'd bore you with a rerun episode.

I suppose I could share with you what God shared with me a few days ago.

To give a prelude to my point, last Monday I auditioned for a part in the Living Christmas Tree (a performance that our school puts on every year at the end of the fall semester). My only desire was to sing, because that's what I love to do. Well, the cast list was posted on Thursday afternoon, and while I may get to be a part of the show, I am merely in the dance chorus. I was fairly disappointed and angry (almost livid) the remainder of the day.

You see, I've known the drama and choir director for 5 & 1/2 years and have been auditioning for solos and parts ever since we met: and I have always come out disappointed with the results. For awhile I never received anything. Then a couple times I got a solo, but they weren't ones that I had auditioned for, nor ones that I really wanted.

I was almost certain that I would get one this time around. After all, my choir director has done nothing but praise me for my progress over the past 5 & 1/2 years. Surely this audition would go to my favor...more disappointment. I can't say that I was very nice or humble last Thursday, and I wasn't afraid to vocalize my frustration. I even considered not doing the show just because I didn't get what I wanted.

The next couple of days God pointed me to a couple of passages that really made me feel good about myself, the first one being Philippians 2:14-15,

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe."

I can tell you that I definitely did not shine like a star on Thursday...at all. And then I read 1 Peter 5:5-7,

"...All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

It felt like someone was shoving an entire humble pie down my throat after reading that (still does every time). I felt so awful for not only feeling angry, but especially for the way I expressed my anger. God had to tell me that it was O.k. for me to be upset, but that it was not O.k. that I voiced my anger to other people instead of to him, especially in the manner that I did it. I can't help the emotions that I felt. But I became proud in my anger, thinking that, after all this time, I deserved to have better.

But after the way I responded, I don't deserve to have anything. So I have decided that, while I am still a bit disappointed, 1) it's O.k. to feel disappointment, and 2) I will do the show and with (hopefully) great humility, not dwelling on what I didn't get, but rather, enjoying what I have the privilege of doing (although I can't say I know how to dance). And I will, from now on, work to express all future anger and frustration and disappointment to God first.